Vinyl

Hm, so guess who officially has the greastest big sister ever? Moi! That is who. Or maybe whom? I don't quite remember which of those I'm supposed to use in that sentence......but ANYWAY, my big sister positively rocks my socks off. Guess what she did....No seriously, GUESS!! Fine, I'll tell you. ::DRUM ROOOOLLLLLL:: She bought me an amaaaazingly fabulously gorgeous rocking ridiculous record player! Oh my gosh, It was possibly one of the greatest moments of my life. Currently listening [and bopping] to The Grateful Dead on fucking vinyl! I'm so excited. And ohso happy. My life has a purpose! Wondering what it is? To sit around and listen to amazing songs on vinyl, of course!!


Things are SERIOUSLY looking up for me. SO glad.

The Scream

When you're young life feels small. You feel small. An ant marching in a line. Step out of that line and you're lost.

You're early years are a blur of Barbie dolls and lollipops, playgrounds and playdates, cooties and kisses. Everything seems so easy, so small, when you're young. Now it seems significant. Insignificance didn't bother you back then. But, then again, you imagined the entire world consisted solely of your neighborhood and the people within it.

You don't remember much of when you were young. Just fuzzy snippets. Smells, tastes, sensations. The things that you do remember are so vivid it's as if you're experiencing it in present time. You remember the exact smell of your elementary school, a putrid mix of bodily fluids, PB&J, and paste. Later you remember exactly how your first kiss tasted, even if you don't remember their name.

There are some things you want to remember but can't. Like the first time that you cried. Not infant crying, but sorrowful experienced crying. Real painful emotion, the cleansing sobs of despair.

On the other hand, there are some things you'd like to forget. The first time you felt pain. The first time someone broke your heart. The first time you realize that somday you will die.

Scream. Scream from the roof tops. Scream until your lungs bleed. Scream until the Earth shakes. Scream until you remember it all. Most importantly, scream so you'll remember how it feels.

Tell me something I don't know

Always the brides maid and never the bride. The story of my life. Always the friend and never the girlfriend.That's just the way it works with me.

I look around me and I see all my friends. One gorgeous girl after another. Many of them happily taken. After him I realize I wasn't really happy. I was bruised and abused. So pointless. So painful. So over.

And when I look at my friends, the ones that are taken and the ones that are beautiful, I wonder. I wonder whats wrong with me. They're wanted. They have boys and men falling for them. Falling at their feet. I'm just sitting waiting to have one fall at mine. And when he did I ended up with the one that just happened to trip in my general direction.
I'm always pursuing and never pursued.

I try to be beautiful. Sometimes I even think I am. But I must be wrong. How could I not be? No one wants me. Why would they? This shell of a person with hair dye and makeup. Self proclaimed hippie in a punkrock husk. Not needed, not wanted, not special.

I try. I'm charismatic. I'm charming. I'm pretty. I'm funny. I'm witty. I'm smart. Or so I am told. Or so I believe. But I mean, I could be wrong. Obviously I am. So much evidence to the contrary of what I believe.

When will it be my turn?

PASSION

Definition Essay

Love.

Love comes in many forms. It can be beautiful, wonderful, and horrifying all at once. There is no telling when love will hit, but when it does, it does it obviously and immensely. Love is an emotion of incalculable measure. Love can cause amazing amounts of pleasure as well as pain. It is the most intense and obscuring emotion anyone could ever experience.

I have fallen in love once, and only once. I hope that it never happens again. I am still in love. Those last three sentences may seem to clash on view point a little bit and this is purposeful. I have fallen in love and I love being in love. You could even say that I am in love with love itself. However, love is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The first moments of love, the first glimmers of affection, are the most enjoyable moments of life. The fluttering feeling of holding the one you love, their breath on your ear, and the words that they say can alter your perceptions of the world completely. There in lies the problem. I enjoy change but only the self inflicted variety. When someone comes along and alters my perceptions, changes my view point, and turns my world upside down, I am expected to become a bit angry. When I am simultaneously falling head over heals in love with this person, paradox ensues and chaos is caused. There is an unabashed want to please this person, and urge to prove myself, and an ache to be accepted. Coupled with a feeling of confusion and uncontrolled desire, my world became even more topsy-turvy.

When love hits you, you know it. It is one of the most easily recognizable emotions. Your palms sweat, your heart races, your ears buzz, and your vision blurs. There is the unmistakable feeling of blushing. The warming of your cheeks gives way to uncontrolled flushing of the cheeks. Occasionally you become thrown into catatonia. You cannot move, speak, or even begin to resemble an intelligent human being. If you try, you bumble your way through a mumbled, garbled monologue of disaster. Love, a social setup for destruction. However, in the occasional moment when two people are simultaneously thrown into a love-speak catatonic state, they seem to defy the laws of science by understanding every indiscernible mumble that escapes the others mouth. This is true love. At your stupidest, most unrefined moment, someone has found an endearing quality hidden under your stumbling, mumbling exterior. Bingo. Jackpot. Yatzee. You've won. Would you like to see your fabulous prizes? You have won your very own, custom made, one true love. Congratulations. Priced to own at a life time of gratification and unflinching admirartion.

Love is a dangerous angel. Francesca Lia Block, my favorite author, wrote that in one of my favorite books. I whole heartedly agree. But, unlike Bob Marley's relaxing reggae music, when it hits you do feel pain, but if you play the game of love correctly you won't be saying sorry.

Sexual Frustrations

I'll keep this short for the sake of my audiences sanity:

I fucking hate being single. For very selfish reasons. Ohwell.

Revelations

This is truly weird.

You know, being single and all.

I'm not used to it anymore. After a year of being in a relationship is like I don't remember how to function in a singular fashion. I don't have to worry about anyones happiness but my own.

I like it that way.

I've already been asked on a semi-date and hit on mercilessly. It makes me feel good about myself.

Is that weird?

I think teenage relationships are slightly over rated. After the experience of being in a fairly serious one, I realize they're one of the worst things you can do for yourself before the age of eighteen. It's not like it's wasted time, because the good parts were great. However, the bad parts were just stupid. Almost meaningless. Relationships before "adulthood" are a bit of a sham. They're filled with false hopes, disappointment, and broke promises.

I'm not saying they're all bad. I loved being in love. But I think at the time I was more in love with love than I was with him. It was a really good learning experience. I learned about myself and about how I am with other people. I learned that I was way too caring for my own good sometimes. Also, I am [or was] way too empathetic. I let other peoples problems suck me in, and take me over, and control me. I didn't like myself anymore that way. I wasn't me anymore and I needed to be.

If anything, your teen years are about being you. Spend the time figuring out who you really are. Don't let anyone, anyone, attempt to change who you are or how you think or how you feel. It's not worth it to let people in that deep.

You're life should be about you. Before you're a parent or responsible for another human life, it shouldn't be any different.