Sometimes

Sometimes the pain just grips you and it won't let go. Like a fist tight around your abdomen. You can't breath in, nor can you breath out. That empty place inside you seems to get just that much bigger. Nothing could ever fill it. The hold gets tighter. That hold that you've had on me for far too long. When I try to get away from it, it simply holds on tighter. And I want to vomit. And I want to hold you. And I want to be near you all the time. It's like I'm empty. Every second. I want to touch you. I want to taste you. I hate the way you make me feel now. And I love the way we used to feel together. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. And everything that could go right did. But what out weighs which? I'm conflicted. And confused. And it hurts.

Snowflake

You remind me of an albino. White skin, white hair, white eyes. A form completely devoid of any trace of pigmentation. I can never really tell if you're looking at me or just lost in thought, staring blankly in my direction. Unfortunately, I'm leaning towards the latter. I'd like the chance to fall in love with you. I think I could. But you're always so far from me, and I so far from your thoughts. The way you blink, so slowly as if you're trying to process to much information at once, makes me believe that you must be much more intelligent than the rest of the world's population. You're clumsy. I like that. You regain a bit of normality each time you fumble, every time you drops things or nearly fall on your precious porcelain appendages. I want to catch you every time you fall. The warm, red liquid leaking from your veins reminds me that you are real. I'm almost certain that if it snowed you could disappear, if you could just avoid the dirty and yellowing snow drifts. You're that way in all things, avoiding the dirty and unclean places. You retain your glacial glow and gaunt glimmer in such a way that I envy you your purity and the ease with which it has been obtained. It is embarrassing attempting to compare myself to a human snowflake, such as yourself; different, ever changing, and encased in crystalline perfection. And if I attempted to catch you, all at once you would be gone, melting into the rest of the world, becoming just another part of everything that I know.

The Beginning of....Something

[Fade up on a large, startlingly white room. There are no windows and only one solid door at the back of the room with a pristine, silver door knob, as well as several large locking mechanisms. In the center of the room sits an uncomfortable looking silver, metal chair. Directly across from the chair, though at quite a distance, there is a wooden desk and an equally uncomfortable looking high backed desk chair. In the first uncomfortable chair, in the center of the room, sits a smallish waif of a young woman. Her face is sallow and sunken, as though she has neither eaten or slept in quite some time. Her rich, brown hair sprouts out of her head in tufts as if it had been weed whacked off of her scalp. A tall, slender, kind looking man sits opposite the awkward young woman in the other uncomfortable chair behind the desk. He has a pen in one hand poised over a fresh, white, unused marble notebook, and a tape recorder in the other. He is bespectacled which adds an air of officialism to his kind eyes and gentle facial features. The man opens his mouth, prepared with a list of questions. However, he realizes he has neglected to start the tape recorder, hits the Record and Play buttons simultaneously, readjusts his glasses, and stares fixedly at the young woman before him.]

It's Not Done

No one dared tell her how wrong she was; How wrong all of it was. She wouldn't have cared anyway. It wasn't that big of a deal. Really. A kiss on the cheek here, or a peck on the lips there. It was all perfectly normal. Really. Wasn't it?

They had know each other for years, and they had been in love for what felt like an eternity. Since before they were born even. A special bond formed in the womb, or something along those terribly cliche lines.

Most days she hated herself for loving him. Most days she just wanted to hate him. That, however, was beyond impossible. He could have done any number of terrible, horrifying, sick and twisted things to her and she would still love him all the same. Now, don't be afraid for her sanity. It's not like that. They were both this madly in love. She could have castrated him and bled him dry and he would still have loved her all the same. It was just the way things worked with them.

They had an intensity that not even the fires and depths of hell could challenge. The fire, baby, it'll burn us both. If one of them were to fall, they'd both fall. If they lost touch with each other they seemed to lose touch with their very being. It was like an electrical current that flowed between the two of them every time they touched. If they were too far apart for far too long the flow of electricity would stop and they would cease to function independently of one another. However, leave them together for too long and the flow of the electric current would grow to dangerous levels and they would burn. Finding the perfect balance proved difficult.

They could get lost in each other for days on end, or longer. They'd already been lost for months. When the going got too tough the tough got going, which in this case, meant that she ran away. The intensity scared her. She wondered if she could forget him. His smile, his smell, the arch of his back. But it was a futile effort.

It was useless. Every memory stuck to the fly-paper-ish inerds of her mind. A sticky solution retaining each struggling thought. It was like trying to pry apart the worlds strongest magnets. It just couldn't be done.

I've Been Denied All The Best, Ultrasex...

An over sexed nation.

Little boys with their

little

pricks. All manner of

unabridged

hardcore

unimaginably erotic

pornographic material

is on display at your local

super market.

Magazines and videos tapes,

tits, dicks, and twats.

An oversexed nation becoming

over stimulated

by all the readily available

sexual content.

Gasp, moan, scream and shriek.

Let out all the emotion that has

nowhere else to go.

Take advantage of the

taken-advantage-of.

Oversexed

Ultrasexed

and all maxed out.

Tired and tiresome,

sex is an

over rated

unappreciated

commodity in our world.

So go ahead and

take advantage of the

taken-advantage-of.

Enjoy

while it lasts.

Sometimes I Wonder...

I tend to think too much, too often, too quickly, and about too many things at once. I'm starting to wonder about the decisions I've made in the past few weeks. Really the past month. I've done some strange things, some fun things, some stupid things, and silly things. I've told people things that weren't necessarily true, even though I pride myself in being completely honest. And, more specifically, today has held a lot of things for me to think about. Including my very poor geographic knowledge, my poor driving skills, my size, my appearance, my laugh, the way I look at peoples mouths while they're talking, experiencing a lot while saying very little, the difference between lust and passion, why we always forget where we put things even if we always put them in the same place, why my toes were the only part of me that got cold, why it decided to rain on this particular evening, how somethings happen for a reason, and why time slows down when you aren't watching the clock. I want to know why we're always left wanting more and why it's never enough. I need to know why I always forget what I look like when I feel happy. And why I couldn't stop smiling the entire way home. These are the things I wonder. The things I want answers to. And the things that are currently important to me. I don't really care if I actually get the answers, but the wondering gives me something to do.

Useless Ramblings

I always tend to get into things too deep. To take things too seriously. To lead people on. But I'm determined not to do that this time. A bad habit that I need to break. Like biting your nails or picking your teeth. It's a dirty fucking habit. And it's going to stop here. It's going to stop with him. I don't want to tell people things that aren't true anymore. And I don't want any more people to end up disappointed. I'm tired of letting people down. I'm turning it around. A step forward, I think. Definitely a step in the right direction.

Direction is something I think about extensively. The direction of my life, The direction of my thoughts, The direction of my hopes and dreams and wishes, The directions my actions take me in. I try to go in a meaningful, useful direction. But I can't help feeling completely useless at times. I can't help feeling like nothing I do matters. Like it won't change a thing. I want to change things and to make them better. But I end up ruining everything. I want to help the occasional hobo. I want to take in an orphan. I want to save a shelter dog. I want to donate all my money to some charity that no ones ever heard of. I want to do something useful.